roudly fighting the War on Emo!

Xaevius Jae'sin Krystaalus

Right away, I want to dock this guy a point and slap him in the face for the bastardization of 'crystal' used to name a draenei. It's like a flashing neon sign saying "Nothing original or creative will be found here." Yes, Draenei equals Crystal, we get it. Blizzard went so far as to make them live inside a giant crystal spaceship to drive the point home.

Avatar of the Elements - The Muscled Wind

The people who have to give themselves one pretentious title are worth mocking until they bury their heads in the sand from shame and suffocate from breathing dirt.

This person had to have two.

Draw your own conclusions.

(Pronounced: Zay-vee-us Jay-sin Kris-tah-luhs)

I thought that primary schools taught children all about the letter 'X' along with all the other letters, so there's really nothing in the name (attempts at gothic spelling aside) that warrants such an insult to our intelligence. I suppose three syllables probably strain the limits of the player's own ability, so he thinks he's just doing the rest of us a favor.

A masculine young Draenei stands before you,

Quite possibly the most overused opening line, "Soandso stands before you" once again tops a Rotten Apple flagRSP like yet another waving red flag marking out the boundaries of unoriginality. The line most likely stems from a deep-seated desire to always be the center of attention; wherever you are, that's where he is, *BAM* appearing right in front of you and forcing you to look at him.

his height at a towering seven foot five inches, finely honed muscles ripple softly under the scarless veil of velvety light azure skin,

It's times like this when I want to go out and find myself an English teacher to smack around for utterly failing in their duties. You cannot 'hone' muscles. 'Hone' is a verb used (literally and metaphorically) to relate to the sharpening of things. You can hone blades, you can hone eyesight, and you can hone reflexes. You cannot hone muscles unless your biceps are sprouting knives like one of Warcraft's ridiculous shoulder armor models.

But with such awkward and nonsensical phrases as "scarless veil" and "velvety light", I have to wonder if there's a poor little thesaurus somewhere using a little doll to show the judge just what this sick bastard did to him.

a wonder for someone who is constantly engaged against impossible odds.

After appearing in front of you and forcing you to look at him, fifty ninjas drop out of the clear sky and start attacking him, that's how constantly engaged in battle he is. Forget trivial matters like personality or hobbies, all this guy does is fight.

In an odd twist, this particular one-dimensional stereotype does not go to great lengths to describe each and every scar while explaining how it adds to their natural beauty. Nope, this fellow cuts right through that crap and claims perfection from the get-go.

You almost have to respect such all-out shameless idiocy. Rather than trying to mask blatantly horrible character writing by sneaking in little flaws and then explaining them away so they're not really flaws at all, this one walks around with "Mary Sue" tattooed on his forehead for all to see.

Eyes of cerulean politely take in your image, and burn it into his memory. More often than not, they mysteriously respond to areas heavy with a certain element or an abundance of elementals by shifting to their corresponding color representation.

Elements: Color-coded for your convenience! I imagine he'd be great fun at parties though, people sneaking up behind him and quickly sticking their lighters in his face or dumping their drinks on his head to make his eyes change color.

You could probably make a great drinking game out of it. Call it "Stoplight". Drink when his eyes turn green, and stop drinking when they turn red. The hardest part would be to find proper elemental representations around the house, so you'd end up with a guy standing behind him holding a scented candle and a handful of cat litter.

In turn, those who can sense elementals would notice his presence fairly quickly.

"I'm sensing... I'm sensing... bullshit. Pure, unadulterated bullshit given human form and walking around. It's a Bullshit Elemental!"

"...I wonder what it drops?"

He grins complacently and nods to acknowledge your presence as he passes. A diminutive air follows,

A diminutive air? Either he went back for seconds with the thesaurus or he's so full of hot air that he's letting one rip every time he passes someone on the street. "It wasn't me, I swear! It was... uh... my totem?"

leaving the distinct scent of crisp summer rain, cool mountain wind, warm hearth fire, and unsullied soil that combine and clearly become recognizeable as that of nature.

More likely than not, he's wearing the Crisp Summer RainTM, Cool Mountain WindTM, Warm Hearth FireTM and Unsullied SoilTM scents by Glade to cover up his clearly recognizable natural scent. Maybe if he bathed once in a while he wouldn't have to spend and epic sword's worth in gold every month on air fresheners.

His body seems to fluctuate with power now, and on certain occasions, his physiology seems to warp in to a different anatomy. His skin might become a shimmering translucent blue or replaced completely with aqua colored nether scales if riled up. He might speak Draconic when frustrated and a faint energy outline of wings might appear if there were even the slightest inclination that he might fall from a high place.

Huh. He might be using the "Fuck you, I'm a Dragon" defense here. Because nothing else says "godmoding" more clearly than "I'm a fucking dragon, get it? I bite off your head and you die!" I think the worst thing Blizzard did in developing their racial lore was show the dragons taking on humanoid forms, because it gave every netkiddie license to pull this sort of crap to compensate for their own shortcomings.

In other cases, his skin will become hard as stone when immediate threats are near, fire will pulsate off his body when he's infuriated, or his form will completely liquefy to aid his allies.

...thus saving them from his nauseating presence, or is he trying to outdo the guild's water cooler mage? "Drink me, for I am the Supreme and Almighty Avatar Excellentia of Water and Water-Related Things! My liquidy leg will flow into your throat as though the sweetest ambrosia!"

The winds always surround his body, and though he may look slow, he's as fast as lightning when need be and as predictable as the element that grants him speed.

That's got to be a tough cross to bear in the morning. Can you imagine waking up, getting ready for your 6:15 ninja attack, and when you go to pour yourself a mug of coffee the winds that surround you blow it right in your face?

In the most extreme of instances a spiritual projection of his soul will manifest to wreak havoc upon those that would underestimate him.

"You'd better not try to take my lunch money again, or my imaginary friend will come and kill you!"

I honestly don't believe it's possible to underestimate this particular brand of loser, one who's scraped the bottom of the barrel clean away, dug into the loamy earth beneath, and smeared it all over himself so he can brag about being "closer to the elements".

He wants you to believe he's some sort of all-powerful nature spirit. All he's done is prove to the rest of us he doesn't know how to use a washcloth.

Contradictory Bullshit: 5
Thesaurus Abuse: 7
Abusing the English Language: 12
Godmoding: 27
One-Dimensional Character: 4
Attention Whore: 42
Waxing Poetic: 9

Score: "Whoo! First guild on the server to down Xaevius! Selling [Primal Bullshit], 30g!"

Diary of a Planeswalker is a fantasy comic created and owned by Anya Talisan and Jacob Matthew,
based in the worlds of Norrath and Azeroth, and copyright their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended.
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