roudly fighting the War on Emo!

There are some moments where I have to question if I'm doing the right thing with this. If perhaps I'm hurting the feelings of the gentle and innocent roleplaying beginners who only needed someone to show them the light.

Then someone like Obelisk comes along.

Someone too stupid to understand that the box marked "Physical Description" is meant to be used for a physical description of the character. Not for a complete personal history, not for an extended personal wank session, and most especially not to do both of those for completely different characters! Beyond that, it's as if the player thought to himself "Hey, I'm already going to violate everyone's eyeballs with my self-stroking fanfic, so I may as well go all the way and type out the most nauseating thing ever seen in the World of Warcraft."

Obelisk, and people like him, need to be shamed, ridiculed, and humiliated into vanishing from Azeroth and keeping to the basements where they belong.

General Obelisk Zeal
The Son of the Damned

Piss-poor attempt at a character name followed by an emo paladin word that doesn't even come close to qualifying for a surname. Oh, and of course he styles himself a general.

A mystery to himself, his past was shrouded in darkness. Little was known of his true origan, but one thing was for certain, in that dark abyss of his mind lay dormant a dark, terrible secret. A secret so horrible, that if exposed, might shatter the very fabrics of Azeroth.

Oh how EMO! The dark abyss shrouded in darkness has a dark terrible secret! The secret is called "How to Not Mix Your Metaphors, Lesson 1: Rocks Shatter, Fabric Tears" and it wouldn't be such a mystery if you'd stop staring at your teacher's ass in English class and pay attention.

For as long as Obelisk Zeal could remember, he has always been wild at heart. Living as carefree and adventurous as his body would take him. Through most of what he could remember of his childhood, he was brought up by Goblins, the ones with the shady reputations, no less.

As opposed to the saintly Goblin nuns who minister to sick puppies.

With his natural ability for combat, and their cunning, they brought him with the hardened belief. "Take it all, give nothin' back!"

Arr, me hearties! Today the role of Obelisk the Shameless Fanboy will be played by Cap'n Jack Sparrow! Isn't ripping off popular media fun?

They chisled him into a hardened warrior, with the strength of a hundred ogres and the speed of a Gryphon.

Look, you can chisel stone or wood into something. You can even have chiseled features. But had the goblins truly chiseled Obelisk at an early age, they would have done the world a great service in pounding sharp metal objects into him until he died.

Unlike typical warriors, they instilled a strict code into his mind, giving him the cunning of his own masters.

Yes, perhaps one day other warriors will pick up on the supposedly rare idea of having a code of conduct for behavior. They might even give it a catchy name like "Warriors' Code". How that's supposed to make him cunning, I have no idea. The whole thing smacks of a teenage kid in sweatpants screaming "You guys better not try anything! I know karate!" right before getting tossed into a dumpster.

However, with his rambunctious nature, they knew he'd eventually draw too much attention to their "organization" as they dropped him off in the little town of Northshire.

Those goblins are a funny lot. They can chisel a boy into a cunning warrior with a code, but they can't deal with a little ADD. It's sad when your plans to conquer the world with an army of human super ultra karate warriors fall short because you haven't invented Ritalin yet. It's okay, though, because you can sneak a kidnapped human child through hundreds of miles of human-controlled territory to drop him in Northshire Abbey's lost-and-found.

This is where our story begins,

...two huge ranting paragraphs into the description, after most people have already tried to bleach their eyeballs clean.

where a young man, stout as a dwarf, grew to be one of those post powerful warriors in all of Azeroth, the General of the Imperial Legion.

Now it's the future and despite starting out as an orphan boy in a feudal society I have all these awesome powers and items without any real explanation of how it happened!

After being left in Northshire, Obelisk's curious nature led him on many adventures, from slaying dragons to escorting gnomes.

Ah, dragon slaying. The quintessential fantasy hero activity. I'm sure this person thinks that telling everyone he slays three dragons every day before breakfast will gain him instant respect, but really it just shows that he was too stupid to think of anything original.

And as for the "escorting gnomes" bit, where does this boy get off thinking any Gnome needs his protection? Not content to simply be a stereotype, he has to perpetuate them as well. It's sad that a technologically advanced culture that had running water and basic sanitation at a time when the humans were still throwing corpses into their drinking water keeps getting treated like a bunch of children by people like Obelisk.

Thick and thin, he had been and seen it all.

"Stout as a dwarf, thick, thin, I've been it all. Thanks to L'Froofy Poo's brand new line of Choose-Your-Own-Weight dietary supplements, I can have whatever body type the situation warrants! From buff and muscular for slaying dragons in the morning, to a thin emo waif to hit on the cutter chicks in Goldshire in the evening, L'Froofy Poo does it all!"

Laid waste to old gods,

Yeah, D&D really blew it when they started including actual stats for the gods in their manuals. It gave people like this the notion that (to paraphrase Dutch Schaefer) "if it has hit points, we can kill it".

slew mighty dinosaurs,

Not content to just slay old gods and dragons, he has to be a dinosaur hunter too. It doesn't help that one of Blizzard's designers had to put Jurassic Park in the middle of Kalimdor.

and yes, even shoveled through some vile things to find ancient, powerful tools.

Because "I did the poop quests in the Outlands" doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

There should be a rule that the instant you start waving your epic loot to try and gain some sort of oobergoober street cred, you get kicked off your roleplaying server. And they delete your character, just to make their point.

That is.......until he met Sarah.....

And... turned into... ....James T......... Kirk.

Summon sockpuppet brigade! It's sad when these people have to make up a horde of characters to be hangers-on for their WoW avatar. I've noticed that having a wife doesn't stop any of these people from hitting on every mailbox-dancing night elf in Stormwind, though.

Sarah was a beautiful maiden, flowing blonde hair, crystal blue eyes, and a smile that could melt a Trogg.

Somehow the ability to liquefy creatures at a glance doesn't scream "beautiful" at me. Maybe she's a new model of blonde, blue-eyed barbiedoll with special Trogg-liquefying action!

The sweet youthful priestess ventured into our hero in the company of Northshire,

So powerful, he's not just a hero, he's an entire dungeon unto himself! Meeting Stone: Obelisk. Levels: 70-1337 (and sweet young priestesses).

as she tended his wounds from an onslaught of one hundred kobolds.

That must have been the mother of all escort quests. "You there, tend to this fellow who's dumber than gnoll snot and who will do his best to aggro everything in the zone. When you get to the end, one hundred kobolds will attack you and you have to use these bandages to keep him from dying."

Shortly after, the two younglings fell madly in love, and were wed.

The Florence Nightingale Effect: Because it's not like petty things such as mutual interests have any bearing on the relationship.

As the years went by, she began to bear child.

Because that sounds a lot better than "Hey look ma, I'm getting' some!" Or at least it would, if he could manage correct grammar.

After the long grueling process of her pregnancy, she gave birth to, not one, but two young boys, One, Valdios Zeal, had a glow of light about him that could Darken the pits of the Twisting Nether,

That had to be a painful birthing. "AHH! It burns! It's not supposed to burn! Bring me the man that did this to me! I'll kill you Obelisk, you bastard, I swear I will!"

while the other, Abraxon Zeal, seemed wonderfully tainted with the arcane.

The light/dark, yin/yang crap screams "closet anime fan". So with one glowing like a lightbulb and the other being "wonderfully tainted" (whatever the hell that means), how are we supposed to tell which twin is the evil one?

The years went by, and the children grew, the lovebirds still caring more than ever for each other.

Twin brother incest or just more pronoun abuse? You decide!

However, on one dark, cruel night, a fate was to bestow upon the family that would forever crumble their reality.

More epic grammar failure that would send an English teacher into a fit of hysteria. This one's truly sad because he had TWO acceptable options ("Fate bestowed something" or "something bestowed a fate") that, clumsy as they are, would have been a good deal better than the literary equivalent of hanging a sign around your neck reading "CEE U IN SUMER SKOOL!"

As Obelisk was out to war, fighting for his homeland and his family, a vile band of thieves crept into their home, creeping into the young boys' mothers room.

Crap! My furious wankery destroyed my thesaurus! What am I going to do now? Wait, I know! "The creepy creeps crept creepily into the creepy creeping creep!"

They wasted no time in binding and gagging her to keep her quiet, as soon they began to commit detestable acts. Obelisk had been released from the front early however,

The character always has to be wherever the action is, even teleporting from the front lines all the way home just in the nick of time for another combat round! Old-school GM's label these characters "Alignment: Chaotic Everywhere" right before chucking the heaviest supplement book they can reach at the player's forehead.

as he creeped into the house, in hopes of surprising his, what he thought, sleeping wife.

When thieves do it, it's "detestable acts", but for Obelisk it's "a surprise".

As he crept into the room, his face grew pale in distress, as he witnessed the acts the four men commited to his wife.

The dream of every teenage voyeur: to be able to stand there and watch without having to pay for it beforehand.

The details all of a sudden began to meld together, as everything became as clear as day, as he rested his eyes on the four men.

Hopefully he'll clean those eyes before putting them back in.

Two were Human, one a Blod Elf, and one a Night elf, but all four were men he served in combat with.

What an amazing hero Obelisk is, able to recognize Blood Elves and Night Elves years before either race was known to humanity! The WoW lore, meanwhile, is refilling its penicillin prescription at the local pharmacy, having yet again been violently raped and left in a gutter to die by another stupid netkiddie who can't be bothered to read the backstory.

One of them, what seemed to be the leader, and the Night Elf, as Obelisk seemed to quickly realize, was one of his dearest friends, whom he had known fancied his wife. In a mere flashed he snapped, as he drew his blades and began slashing away.

Of course he has his blades on him, he was creeping in to "surprise" his wife, remember? Having the blades handy makes the "surprise" all the more sweet, especially since she can't ruin the "surprise" by running away.

After several minutes of fighting, he came to the aid of his own wife, disregarding the fatal wounds he had incurred,

If the wound were fatal, he would have died from them and spared us the rest of this description.

as he knelt at her side, to only be moments too late. She had passed without time to bid farewell, as it struck Obelisk with an Eternal Hatred for the Elven Race and his own people.

That's Eternal HatredTM, another wonderful product from L'Froofy Poo! When you can't be bothered with figuring out any sort of motives or consequences, Eternal HatredTM gives you the justification to turn into a raging bigot so you don't have to bother developing any real character motivation.

Eternal HatredTM, by L'Froofy Poo. Because racism is easier than having personality.

Many years later, as the events of that horrible day were shrouded in darkness, both Obelisk and the Boys Abraxon and Valdios, grew to be ever stronger, as Obelisk did his best to manage raising two boys without a mother, not knowing what to tell them of their mother.

As the time passed. The boys left home to begin their own journey in life,

... never to be heard from again.

as one day, Obelisk happened to wander into a Young Night elf, Takashi Nightvain, a hunter by trade.

"See, I killed my NPC wife so I can have a PC wife an all the associated cyborz. It's okay though, I made sure to ask her what she looks like in real life. She told me she looks just like her character, so she's got to be a real chick, right?"

Curiously enough, it had been her pet Ravager whom took quite a fancy to Obelisk. They decided once to try and quest in battle, having a secret lust for one another, they had hoped that perhaps one of them would burst and proclaim it.

Just how ugly do you have to be to get a ravager to have a secret lust for you? And how perverted do you have to be for it to be mutual? Just when you think the internet can't invent a more disgusting fetish...

However, once again it had taken the poor young Ravager, Squirt, to coax it from them, as they fought. As the enemies kept coming, Squirt would refuse to help young Takashi, yet would let no beast nor monster near the Stout Obelisk.

"Look at how wonderful I am! My mere presence inspires hunter pets abandon their masters and defend me! Godmoding sure is fun!" So, what exactly happened to the super strong ultra karate warrior that kills old gods and slays three dragons before breakfast? It's obvious; like the common emo boy as soon as any female comes within a hundred yards he immediately turns into a stammering, drooling idiot, barely able to refrain from soiling himself no matter what kind of person he imagined himself to be before she came along.

Clearly seeing that her pet was trying to tell her something, she finally made the first move.

Even though he's a great and wondrous hero, he still suffers from the classic emo kid flaw of not being able to ask a girl out. But in WoW, you don't have to worry about rejection when you can just godmode your way into someone's pants!

Months later, they were wed. The years passed again, as Takashi now bare child,

More getting' some, this time with a bare child! Priestesses, evil bugs, and now children. Truly Obelisk's depravity knows no bounds.

a young girl, Alazae. Shortly after the birth, The King of Ironforge sent word to Obelisk, calling him to a council of leaders.

"But of course I know the King personally! That's what being a hero is all about! I also have a 3pm tee time with Khadgar and some 'special time' with Jaina after that."

As he stepped into the office, a cloaked man, merely pushed a sheet of paper forward on the table, as it read. "General Obelisk Zeal. You are hereby commissioned by the Council into the Azerothian forces.

Because of course all the armies of Azeroth are united under one banner so Obelisk doesn't have to worry about reading up on the political situations among the various racial kingdoms. If it doesn't exist in the sidebars of Maxim or FHM, it's not worth knowing!

You are hereby commissioned to establish security measures for Homeland security and also in which to launch our attacks on the Burning Legion and Horde. May the Light be with you = sealing the letter at the bottom was the Seal of Kings.=" And thus the Imperial Legion was born, as a second hand of Azeroth, and the might of their army

[Letter from a King]
Quest Item
Use: Summons an army out of nowhere, with no explanation for how it was formed, how they're being paid and who's feeding them all.

Now on to our hero's parents. The only thing he could slightly remember, is that his mother was perhaps the sweetest woman he had ever known, and that his father, who he could not remember, took her life........

Giant Wall of Bullshit CRITS flagRSP for two billion. FlagRSP commits seppuku in a last generous act to keep Obelisk's full family history from causing anyone else to dive headfirst into a vat of eye bleach.

Lore Raping: 12
Spelling Allergy: 14
Grammar Allergy: 29
Proofreading Allergy: 40
Comma Abuse: 25
Ellipsis Abuse: 5
Orphaning Sentence Fragments: 17
Inappropriate Capitals: 15
Mixed Metaphors: 3
Run-On Sentence: 10
Run-On Paragraph: 4
Run-On Description: 3
Abusing the English Language: 31
Abusing the Word 'Creep': 6
Ego Stroking: 22
One-Dimensional Character: 11
Gut-Wrenching Fetish: 2
Godmoding: 6
Self-Aggrandizing Bullshit: 42

Score: " called. It seems one of their Hall of Shamers got loose and vomited up all that garbage you call a flagRSP description. They don't want it back, they just want to make sure you shoot it before it comes into contact with anyone else. Thank you for your cooperation."

Diary of a Planeswalker is a fantasy comic created and owned by Anya Talisan and Jacob Matthew,
based in the worlds of Norrath and Azeroth, and copyright their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended.
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