roudly fighting the War on Emo!

Kernian Dalconan
Steward of House Dalconan

It starts out so deceptively innocent. The name isn't glaringly stupid. Even the title isn't overly indulgent. Connections to noble houses are somewhat common, especially for human or blood elf characters.

What you are about to read, however, is perhaps the most nauseating, self-aggrandizing piece of garbage I've had the displeasure of reviewing since Rotten Apples was first conceived. It is to male emo-child roleplaying hacks what the giant tits/pencil waist, supernaturally-enhanced beautiful prostitute is to the female variant: the epitome of bad roleplaying cliché.

Due to the extremely stomach-turning nature of this description and despite whatever neutralizing effect my commentary might have on it, I feel compelled to include the following disclaimer:

WARNING! The following description is suspected to cause the following health conditions: ocular hemorrhaging, vomiting, hematemesis, and brain tumors. Women who are pregnant or nursing and people with a history of self-inflicted gunshot wounds should not continue.

Timeless. Ageless.

None of these words apply to Kernian,

Why the hell did you lead off with them then? I get that roleplaying tends to end up as a "be all you can't be" escape for these people, but in writing a physical description it tends to help when you describe what your character is, instead of everything he's not.

even though beneath his artfully coifed golden hair his face is the unlined face of youth, and his smile is frequently soft and warm.

What the hell? Ageless doesn't apply to him despite being young and smiling warmly? Perhaps if he didn't skip so much class to work on coiffing his hair he wouldn't be stuck in remedial summer classes.

One look into his eyes, however, reveals a man that has seen uncounted centuries, millennia even, and felt ever second of it.

He's decided to be young and pretty, so the women should fall all over themselves to be near him, then he decides to try to be old and worldly. It's like three-year-olds introducing themselves to everyone they meet as "three-and-a-half" in a desperate bid to make everyone think they're "all growned up". And, just like the toddlers, Kernian should stick to sipping grape juice at the kiddie table instead of bothering all the real roleplayers with his whining crap.

No matter the joys he has felt, no matter the pain, it is clear he has never bowed to either them,

So much for "physical description", eh? We're just going to shoot off into "complete life story" without any regard for anyone's sensitive stomach.

and for one simple reason: There are things more important to him than time,

The word for that is 'Unemployed'.

more important than joy,

Read: 'Single'.

and especially more important than pain,

"Damnit, boy! If you don't come up from that basement and take out the trash I'm gonna whoop your behind!"

and one of those things is Kernian himself.

If he loves himself any more he'll probably love himself right into a protein deficiency. But what else is he going to do with no job and no girlfriend, behind the locked door of his room, except write shamelessly stupid character descriptions?

He moves with a self assurance so complete that it is beyond second nature... it IS his nature.

So far beyond second nature, it's first nature! I bet it's easy to be self-assured when you don't have to worry about jocks and bullies stuffing you into a garbage bin between social studies and homeroom. Alliance bullies, anyway. With the Horde bullies, you can just make pointless whiny forum posts about how much you hate blueflaggers.

While others may feel the need to bluster and posture, or wear their arrogance like a badge of honor,

...or include a bunch of bullshit "tough guy" phrases in an RSP description?

Kernian moves easily and laugh often, frequently stopping to chat with shopkeepers or play with children in the street.

But even the youngest of children seem to understand that Kernian's frown speaks louder than another's shouted rebuke, and that his 'suggestions' and 'requests' carry more weight than most orders, and that when his smile grows warm but his emerald eyes grow cold the time for games is passed.

Because in this pathetic fantasy he's so famous that everyone knows him, instead of people calling him "that guy we gave a swirly last week". He probably thinks that everyone putting him on their ignore list within three seconds of him speaking is just an awed respectful silence. I swear, if this person was any more self-absorbed he'd implode.

And if they do not understand, then their older companions or their frantic parents quickly pull them aside and educate them lest disaster strike.

"Damnit, Billy! I don't care if he promised you candy you never NEVER get in a strange emotard's car! Now go clean your room!"

"Look at his eyes." they whisper. "Whatever joys they've seen, whatever horrors, more often than not he himself has been the architect of whatever they have witnessed... and all too often he has wrought his works by the use of

Who the hell talks like that? What, does this guy have a horrible dime-store romance novelist following him everywhere feeding lines to the audience?

his own, perfectly manicured, hands."

Too embarrassed to pay for a proper hooker, Kernian instead settles for paying manicurists and hairdressers so he can brag to all his friends that he was touched by a girl once.

Cliché Bullshit: 9
Nauseating Bullshit: 23
Contradictory Bullshit: 12
Self-Aggrandizing Bullshit: 49
This Entire Description:
     Complete and Utter Bullshit

Bait-and-Switch: 1
Abusing the English Language: 19
Unnecessary Comma: 8
Emotard: 10

Score: "I don't wanna cut the lawn, mom! What part of 'extra-super-tiger-dragon dangerous' don't you understand! You don't just make 'extra-super-tiger-dragon dangerous' cut the lawn! You're supposed to be afraid of me! PHEAR ME, U NOOB!!!"

Diary of a Planeswalker is a fantasy comic created and owned by Anya Talisan and Jacob Matthew,
based in the worlds of Norrath and Azeroth, and copyright their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended.
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