Pronounced: Kai-ee-shuh Kris-tah-lus
Look out Tokyo, it's "Bullshit Elemental 2: Return of the Steaming Pile"! Just like a bad sequel to an
even worse monster movie, the Krystaalus family returns to once again grace Rotten Apples with its presence. I
suppose it's theoretically possible that some other roleplayer decided to take up the role of Xaevius's
wife/sister/daughter/whatever, but given the handy-dandy pronunciation guide, I'm going to say that we're
looking at the same player here.
At least this time the pronunciation guide is somewhat helpful. Otherwise I can't think of any way to cram three
syllables into "Kaesha", at least not according to any phonetic rules I'm familiar with. But that's the
magic of the Krystaalus family: so special they have their own way of pronouncing everything!
Dark midnight blue hair frames this delicate looking draenei's face, capturing then reflecting the smallest
amount of light, causing her hair to appear almost luminous.
It's the text equivalent of lens flare! And just like the novice Photoshop student trying to cover all the glaring
imperfections in their pornographic furry fanart, this person's hoping that a little shiny hair will distract us from
the fact that the description won't include anything that makes this character more than an animated sex
toy for the player and his male characters.
Soft powder blue skin stretches over her figure,
Boy I hope this idea of a full-body facelift doesn't catch on in Hollywood.
accenting her toned muscles with faint shadows.
Not content with lens flare hair, even her skin casts its own light. Or perhaps it just casts its own shadows
for that dark mysterious look.
Her chest armor seems to always be one size too small as her breasts appear too large for her frame.
Just like last time, this boy doesn't tip-toe around the issue. There are no hints or subtlety here, just the
flashing sign reading "Big Tits Here! Massive tits squished by metal and cleavage up to the chin!"
The only thing that could possibly make it more obvious would be a constant Hunter's Mark arrow nestled
in her cleavage.
With an elongated hour-glass figure her movements are fluid and graceful,
In classic fanboy form, this fellow doesn't quite realize that an hourglass-shaped body may not automatically
equal fluid and graceful movements. Of course I'm sure in his mind he thinks "hourglass-shaped"
means "big tits, big hips, no waist anime character" instead of the usual meaning of "woman
in Victorian corset with her stomach pulled all the way back to her spine".
her steps accompanied by the swaying of her tail who's golden bands shine briefly as it brushes against
her rather wide hips.
It's hard to bother with things like possessive pronouns when you're tapping out a description one-handed.
If there were any doubts about the player's gender before, I'm sure a list of things already described will put
them to rest. Let's see... hair, face, skin, breasts, hourglass figure, hips and... tail? I'm not sure why that's
included in the list, but I'm thinking ignorance in this case is bliss. Or if not bliss, at least keeping me from retching.
Her eyes seem to shimmer faintly while they take your image in, as if memorizing you before quickly
What is it about the photographic memory that's appealing to this player so much? A similar line appeared
in Xaevius's RSP: "Eyes of cerulean politely take in your image, and burn it into his memory."
I'm thinking this guy saw The Da Vinci Code one too many times and somehow got the idea that eidetic
memory was a cool superpower to hand out to all his characters.
Kaesha's voice is soft and airy, when she does speak.
So she sounds like Liv Tyler in Lord of the Rings? That breathy, overemphasized, "I'm trying to sound
sexy but really someone just laced my corset up too tight" voice that earned her the enmity of every
Tolkein fanboy for not only using her bit part to grab the spotlight but for screwing up the character while
she was doing it.
Yeah, that's exactly the sort of thing I want invading WoW...
Laced around her neck is an amulet with a kaleidoscope of colors, a soft purple glow emitting from the
center occasionally. Kaesha's hand frequently reaches up and caresses the classy surface,
The "classy" surface? As opposed to the "gaudy glowing kaleidoscope of clashing colors
that would make any decent jewelry designer heave" surface?
a faint smile on her lips.
"Watch me stroke my little bauble sitting on the shelf of my unnaturally squished-up breasts!" I
don't know why so many female characters have to have magic jewelry they "frequently caress"
in public while smiling in pleasure. I can't say I've ever seen a real woman play with her jewelry in front of
other people in that particular manner before.
When in the Eastern Lands, she tends to speak nearly perfect Common.
'Tends' and 'seems' are the two most abused words in RSP descriptions. I think I'm going to have to start
docking people one point every time someone uses one of these words in an attempt to be mysterious.
The lazy roleplayers are becoming more prevalent in WoW. They can't read the directions telling them to
include physical descriptions so they put in little tidbits like this instead of actually roleplaying things like
speaking native languages.
I've seen more than a few threads on the WoW forums where people call for accounts to be locked into
one gender or the other. While I'm sure there are a few male roleplayers out there that can play convincing
female characters (you know, in theory) with depth and personality, this person isn't one of them.
Obvious Slut: 12
Abusing the English Language: 5
Draenei Crystal Cliché: 1
Magic Jewelry Sex Toy: 1
Thesaurus Abuse: 9
Lazy Roleplayer Shortcuts: 3
Waxing Poetic: 20
Bad Female Sex Kitten Stereotype: 1
Score: "Yeah-huh I have a girlfriend! And she plays WoW! You can even talk to her! I'll, uh, be back later.
I have stuff to do... Never mind what! I'll have her whisper you in a bit."