roudly fighting the War on Emo!

The Scorpid's Tail

"Her voice is soft, almost more air than sound. Rarely does she raise it to speak above a whisper. When she does, her voice is throaty, caressing the ears of her listener."

Here we see another typical specimen of the Azerothian Prostitute. Notice the voice, soft, throaty and whispering. This serves as the mating call to attract other lonely, pitiful teenagers for late-night cybersessions.

"She watches the world through veiled amber eyes. Her pale, full lips are almost always twisted into a slight smile."

Watch how the prostitute prominently displays her eyes and lips, like a bird's plumage. This is an integral first step in the mating dance. The prostitute with eyes most like gemstones and lips that look most like they got caught in a vacuum cleaner tends to win the highest share of males in a territory.

"Slim to the point of being slight, her figure is nevertheless full."

So, we're basically looking at two oranges glued to a pencil? I don't know why contradictory bullshit is so common in the descriptions of sluts. They're all rail-thin, but buxom. Timid yet fierce. Submissive and empowered. They need to just pick one side and go with it.

"Her pale skin is creamy, and free from visible blemishes."

Ah, perfect skin. The fondest wish of every pizza-faced outcast creating a Mary Sue to have some semblance of social contact, experienced vicariously through a Lara Croft-esque avatar.

"Her movements are graceful, and blatantly seductive. She seems to ignore whatever reactions she elicits in those around her."

This is what some people call "playing hard to get". It's a tactic used by people you normally wouldn't give the time of day to seem mysterious and alluring when they're online.

"Raven-dark hair is loosely tied back."

Ravens: to the lonesome goth, they are the ultimate symbol of darkness and death. To the rest of us, it's a flea-infested disease carrier. Much like the prostitute herself.

"The silver clasp around her hair is shaped like a cobra, hooded head coyly peeking out from beneath her ponytail."

Even her jewelry behaves like a whore! That's a special kind of magic indeed! If I had that here, I could make a fortune! Coy hairpins, inviting toe rings, alluring glasses. My tie pin could flash a little leg on my behalf!

"A few errant strands of hair fall free to frame her face."

So she can seductively brush them away, of course.

"Two earrings adorn each ear. The top pair are of a silver that is tarnished and dull. Almost impossible to see, a pattern of snakes follows the curve of the metal."

If it's almost impossible to see, it doesn't belong in a description, now does it? You know, for someone who calls herself "The Scorpid's Tail", I'm seeing more snake imagery than scorpid. Maybe she's confused about which is which. I mean, they're both sexy and poisonous, so it's all the same to her.

"The lower pair are simple hoops that gleam with the shine of newly-worked silver."

"A hand constantly strays to stroke the weapon at her side."

Ooo! She must've got a Magic GothyKnife too! She's so dangerous now!

"The bombay cat that nearly always haunts her footsteps seems to answer to the name "Umbra." Gold-green eyes regard to everyone warily. The only one this feline seems to warm up to is it's mistress."

Cats are the other classic goth animal, and this one even has a goth name. Of course, the whole thing was just an excuse to use the word 'mistress'. Some guys get off on the idea of degrading themselves to say they touched a woman even if it means sharing it with every other loser on the server. They know it's the only way that would ever happen.


"If her wrists are bare:
A thin, barely visible scar encircles her left wrist."

Obligatory attempted suicide wrist scar. How original!

"If her legs are bare:
A tattoo of a black cobra winds around her right ankle, the hooded head flairing it's warning to all from the side of her calf. Its red eyes almost seem to glow with a menacing light."

Choose-Your-Own-Adventure descriptions are becoming popular among prostitutes, it seems! I guess they really do help save time during long involved cybersessions. Who wants to take the time to explain all the little gothy scars and snake tattoos? At least it shows to the reader that everyone has an equal chance of seeing her bare legs. And down in mom's basement, they call that "Gettin' some!"

Abusing the English Language: 5
Stereotypical Emo Description: 12
Superfluous Scarring: 1
Pointless Description: 3
Obvious Slut: 10
Contradictory Bullshit: 3
Waxing Poetic: 12
Choose-Your-Own-Adventure: 2

Score: "Tee-hee! I'm Goth Mistress Barbie!" Goth Mistress Barbie comes with slave collar and Umbra the cat. Self-respect and dignity sold separately.

Diary of a Planeswalker is a fantasy comic created and owned by Anya Talisan and Jacob Matthew,
based in the worlds of Norrath and Azeroth, and copyright their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended.
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