roudly fighting the War on Emo!

Commander Dejavoo Moonstalker
GAA Commanding Officer

This would normally be simply another pathetically stupid name telling me this person needs someone to print out a copy of the roleplaying server description, roll it up, and jam it into their eye socket.

In this case, though, it's oddly prophetic.

Déjà vu! Another raging whore on Rotten Apples!

age: 4618,

I don't mind so much that Blizzard released "official" age guides with their Warcraft D&D manual despite the fact that it gave cause for every fanboy to include their character's age in the RSP description. I just wish they'd actually finished the job and updated the list every time they decided to add a new race.

In the absence of any canon information, most people seem to just say "Well Velen's lived for thousands of years so that means my character is immortal!" Thanks to that baffling leap of logic, I've never seen a Draenei character claiming to be less than 800 years old. Which tends to be a bit of a problem, since you would think an 800-year-old person would be much more worldly and mature than the teenage netkiddie who claims their spaceberry sex kitten is thousands and thousands of years old because it sounds cool.

she has a maternal beauty about her,

This sort of description is not exactly how I imagine most people would describe their mothers. At least, I sure hope that most people wouldn't describe their mothers this way.

even under the armor. she has jet black hair cut short, but not too short. and nice firm shoulders. her face is that of a battle-worn commander; firm, but gentle. Fierce, yet caring.

Short, but not short. Firm, but gentle. Fierce, yet caring. Contradictory, and also bullshit. And I seriously doubt any battle-worn military commander would appreciate you calling his face "firm, but gentle" unless you're bucking for a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" discharge.

her skin is that of a royal blue and her eyes are a deep ocean blue, her full lips are the color of a deep purple,

Advice for all you aspiring sluts out there: when describing your character, it's best not to evoke images of a rotting corpse by describing your bloated purple lips.

she is a size 6 waist

I've made my share of fun at the classic female "ideal dress size", but having a twenty-inch waist on your seven-foot space goat is beyond ridiculous.

with nice full breasts and and firm butt.

The double 'and' is what really sells it. Breasts and AND butt! What novelty, that a woman should possess both things at once! Somebody call Ripley's!

her legs are very athletic looking

Rather than having "toned legs" or "the legs of an athlete", the legs themselves are athletic. You can tell this by the sports bra tied around each knee with a little water bottle hanging off the side.

and though she appears weak armed... don't get into an arm wrestling match with her.

I'll never understand the tendency for people to spend paragraph after paragraph describing themselves in a way that screams "Please Rape Me Now" and then append a "she looks frail but don't screw with her because she'll totally mess you up". I feel like it should be the subject of some bizarre Animal Planet special.

G'day, mate! Here we've got the rare and majestic Internet Tough Girl. Crikey! Unlike the more common Internet Tough Guy, the Tough Girl dangles its large, pendulous breasts like an anglerfish to attract its prey. Also like the anglerfish, she will spend her life gathering males to her which, once attached, will degenerate into nothing more than a small sex organ for her convenience.

Crikey! She's spotted us! Oh, you're in for a treat. You rarely get an opportunity like this... I'm gonna ride 'er! Oh and look! She's already got a little saddle of her own. I suppose she'd have to be used to it by now...

She is not shy about her body and is always wearing slightly revealing clothing, but the only one who'll ever see her well toned bodice is her husband, Ayne.

It's good that she's keeping that bodice of hers so well hidden, because after this description I don't think there will be anything else the public hasn't seen. You have to feel for the poor guy, though. I don't know many men that would agree to let their wives walk around almost naked for the viewing pleasure of everyone else in exchange for keeping bodices and other clothing for private occasions.

She and her husband also have a very HEALTHY sex life, thank you very much,

Well you're welcome. I had no idea that I myself was personally responsible for your very healthy sex life, but I like to think I have a certain quality about me.

and with the addition of a second wife into the marriage, Whisperwinds, it'll be a VERY healthy sex life.

...except for the fact that poor deprived second wife will never see her well-toned bodice, of course. Because some things are just between a slut and her husband.

Contradictory Bullshit: 17
Obvious Slut: 99
Inappropriate Name: 1
Abusing the English Language: 9
"Well toned bodice": 1

Score: "Hi, I'm Jacob Matthew. You might remember me from such rants as "Y and O come before U" and "Name Police: Unsung Heroes of Azeroth". I'm here with a very important message about raging whores. Did you know that raging whores can be found almost anywhere, even in computer games like World of Warcraft? If someone you know is a raging whore, please help them get the help they need. Call 1-800-DIE-SLUT, or start punching them repeatedly in the face as soon as possible."

Diary of a Planeswalker is a fantasy comic created and owned by Anya Talisan and Jacob Matthew,
based in the worlds of Norrath and Azeroth, and copyright their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended.
This site is created, owned, and updated by Anya Talisan.
Please e-mail before using, reproducing, or borrowing any portion of this site.