roudly fighting the War on Emo!

Battle of the Whores

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls! Step right up to see the most anticipated battle of the season: The First Rotten Apples Whore-Off!

We've search far and wide, from the sands of Silithus to the mountains of Khaz Modan, to bring you two of the most attention-starved armchair prostitutes in all the world! Gamers, hold your joysticks tight, because this is sure to be a wild ride!

The cage has dropped, the timer's set, so let's go right to the action!

Ashwind Earthbreeze
Druid of the Four Seraphim
Both ladies open with character names flying like war banners. Ashwind's famous " Double Compound Word Backhand" is no match for the "Exotic Special Characters Jab" followed up with a devastating "Big Mac with Extra Special Bloodrose Emo Sauce Uppercut"
Druistràill Bloodrose
Ashwind Earthbreeze, simply known as "Ash," is a mighty druid that resides amongst the Four Seraphim.
Nobody knows if the plucky young upstart Druistraill can take on Ashwind, who's bringing a record of powerful seraphim gangbangs into the ring, proving herself the veteran attention whore of this match.
She is a gorgeous young Night Elf, with a very flirty personality.
Dru's keeping Ash on the ropes, whipping out the flawless skin and glistening hair and moving right into the hard-hitting whore keywords: dancer, catlike, and china-doll. Ash's blatant "cyber me" cry of gorgeous and flirty can't stand up to the beating of a detailed description of hair, skin, and movement. Dru's got the classic "teenage boy who's never been close enough to a real female to imitate them properly" triple play move down pat. And before Ash can recover, she launches into the "so perfect it's mysterious" finisher!
The first thing many notice about Druistraill is the flawless beauty of her skin and hair, which glisten with a soft white sheen. The next observation may be how she moves with the careful steps of a dancer in her catlike grace. Everything about her china-doll appearance is perfect... too perfect.
Some deem her beauty that of an Angel, enough to subdue any man without much effort.
Ash is off the ropes now, desperately battering back with the classic emo mind control fantasy move while Dru retreats into the "every boy's shy little rape fantasy" defense, startled at Ash's sudden attack!
Of all her features, her eyes are the most striking. When she is engaged in a task, their light hardens in a tight focus as she devotes herself fully to its success. Otherwise, they furtively flit to take in her surroundings.
Despite her Kaldorei looks, she is very feisty and fights well. A Master of her Environment, Ash is very intune with Nature and all that goes along with it.
Oh my god, they've gone into a clinch, each banging away with the "she may be a whore, but she's still tough enough to kick your ass!" This fight's not over yet, folks!
She avoids the direct gaze of others at all times, her nervous shyness contrasting with her otherwise strong physical presence.
When Ash smiles, everyone knows- the room goes quiet and all eyes shift to meet hers.
Sticking with what works, Ash is back to her mind control fantasy (because why wait for anyone to respond when you can just godmode them into it?) causing Dru to retreat back into her "alluring untouched flower". The audience is just vomiting with the excitement of it all! That, and the nausea caused by reading it...
Her voice is soft and resonant, through it is rarely heard as she tries to remain unnoticed while in public.
She spies you watching her and slips her tongue out and bites it playfully, now looking in your direction.
Careless with her seeming victory, Ash lobs a clumsy "take me now, big boy" over Dru's head, only to catch a "possibly bisexual" and "pedophile bait" one-two punch right in the face, sending her reeling! Dru's learning quickly from her mistakes; you can bet Ash won't slip another big hit by her again.
Attention from both women and men often surprises and flusters her, though men in particular may bring a flush to her sweet, almost childlike face.
You see her eyes are full of beauty, innocent, yet hiding something, a very sexy appeal to her. A bright, sky-blue color, her eye meet yours and she stares at you. As she holds your gaze, she slyly winks and then turns away, flipping her hair- daring you to come over....
Not giving up, Ash feints with another godmode punch, then lunges right in with a fast lore-raping jab and another hard-hitting "take me now, big boy"! But wait, Dru smacks back with a "watch as I touch myself all over"... THAT'S IT! There's the bell! This match is OVER, people!
At these times, she unconsciously fidgets with the delicate truesilver chain choker that may always be found about her neck.
Lore Raping: 4
Contradictory Bullshit: 2
Obvious Slut: 12
Attention Whore: 20
Godmoding: 7

Score: "No, no, no! Not like that! The tattoo should have FOUR seraphim and the banner should say 'For the love of God, fuck me now!' and should go from nipple to nipple!"

And the loser is... my eyes, which I clawed out of their sockets in a desperate attempt to keep from having to read any more of these vapid affronts to roleplaying and to keep that little tiny part of me that still has a sliver of faith in humanity from curling up into a little ball and dying forever.
Contradictory Bullshit: 4
Obvious Slut: 9
Pedobait: 11
Emo Name: 1
Waxing Poetic: 3
New Category: Possibly Bisexual: 2

Score: "Being bisexual isn't greedy! I just don't want to exclude all the lonely pathetic genderbenders out there from my hot cyborz! Don't be prejudiced!"

Diary of a Planeswalker is a fantasy comic created and owned by Anya Talisan and Jacob Matthew,
based in the worlds of Norrath and Azeroth, and copyright their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended.
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