You know, the dove is supposed to be a symbol of innocence and purity. It's not supposed to be raped by every wannabe elf whore in Silvermoon.

Palid walked this sunstar maiden in lingering sway of silk and satin. Faint scent of vanilla apparently seemed to drip from little dove's pores, perfuming her in sweet warmth of pulled sugar. Champagne woven locks framed similary blanched features, kept at bay only by the band of molded turquoise and gold. What peeked from beneath the drape of burnished strands was a combination of twin irises. Pale as crystal, the nymphet's gaze was prismatic as it took on whatever color scheme in reflect. That was unless, of course, gentlewoman had recently fed.

I can actually feel tumors growing in my brain. It's like trying to read Finnegan's Wake. Backwards. While drunk.

At first glance, it's almost as though the description was written out in an entirely different language, then run through one or more very low-quality translation programs. At the same time, a lot of the word choice smacks of the normal emo bullshit... especially when you run it backwards through a thesaurus program.

And that's where these people get themselves in trouble. Lacking any real vocabularies of their own, they don't understand the words the program spits out and end up either choosing whatever they think sounds the most erudite, the most poetic, or just picking at random.

So instead of a classically emo 'pale', they end up with 'pallid' and the readers are left with a mental image of an invalid on the edge of death. Though I can't imagine what they put in to come up with "sweet warmth of pulled sugar" or "pale as crystal" (especially since crystal is typically translucent).

I'm downright scared to ask what words she put in to make the thesaurus describe her as a 'nymphet', or why she's walking around squeezing the life out of little birds and bathing in the vanilla-scented blood that drips out of the pores.

But whether we're dealing with a non-native speaker (though in my experience people trying to learn English do a fair sight better with these things than the average netkiddie) or someone with their fingers glued to Shift+F7, it's nice to know that some things are universal with RSP whores. The first thing they spit out when writing a physical description is a little poem about their hair and eyes.

A circular object, no larger than a walnut rested on silver chain about her neck. Three serpents coiled around the center, one on the outside, one in-between and a small snake with a ruby held in mouth. Its color was silver, the jewel crimson like blood. Runic marks along the spines of snakes, they moved constantly, shifting in a rotation as if alive and flowing down the serpents' backs.

It seems that focusing on jewelry, images of snakes, and blood-colored gems complete with magic runes is still in vogue among the emo population. It saves them from having to bother with those pesky little details like unique physical traits and actual personalities.

She was eloquent in her own acquisitive nature, a thirst (like any other of her kind) driving action. It was most likely not expected the fawn's vehement fervor for bloodshed. Lying beneath surface of elegantly scripted charicteristics of wanton paragon rested a blood knight in bold form. Unforgiving in disagreement and more than willing to prove her worth, known failure or conquer.

Like the archaeologist trying to make sense of little pictures of birdies and snakes painted onto a wall... I have no idea what the hell any of this crap is supposed to mean. But I've seen my share of whores (and taken apart a few of them right here on Rotten Apples) so I can guess what comes next. We've already seen the extended descriptions of eyes and hair, littered with garish adjectives. We've gotten past the gaudy magical jewelry depicting some form of poisonous animal alongside an oversized gem.

So that leaves only the "I'm a delicate and gorgeous sex kitten, but I'm also the most powerful warrior ever and can totally kick butt!" And hey, look what we have here! "Fervor for bloodshed", "blood knight in bold form", and "unforgiving in disagreement". Even though the rest of that paragraph is completely unintelligible (what the hell is "wanton paragon" supposed to mean, anyway?) we can still pick out those little phrases that point squarely to the truth: this is just another common whore, trying to hide behind a screen of bullshit.

The more the World of Warcraft changes, the more it stays the same. It doesn't matter how much crap you use trying to cover it up, a whore is still a whore and a cliché is still a cliché.

Offenses
Symbol Rape: 1
Oxymoron: 4
Emo Jewelry: 1
Obvious Whore: 9
Spelling Allergy: 7
Thesaurus Abuse: I only hope she bought it dinner first.

Score: "Crystal rooster hockey fucking bottles of sweat-drenched oranges. Pale darkness bleeding jewels and perfect toes."