Who the hell cares?

"The elf before you"

As opposed to the one behind you.

"...is one who looks to have a strange combination of youth and maturity,"

"I'm three-and-a-half years old! Three-and-a-half is more grownder-up than just three! Mommy says I can use the toilet by myself now!"

"...her face has a youthful soft texture while her eyes, gentle white orbs with teal irises, show calm in her. Her hair was neatly combed clean, she has recently bathed,"

Both of which shows hygiene is obviously a novel concept to the player, or there would have been no need to mention them.

"...was long and reached down to her lower back."

Geez, it's like reading an obituary. Nobody cares what she was, the point of this is to show how she looks now.

"If one was not focused on her well sculpted face and well cared for hair"

Well why would they bother? I mean hey, I consider having a head to be a basic requirement in a potential mate, but I guess some people just aren't that picky.

"...they could see this woman was of an age of sexual maturity, her body was well developed."

Oh boy, here we go. I'm getting really sick of all the sluts. What is it about hanging a "Please Rape Me" sign around your neck that seems to appeal to every desperate loser out there? If it was just the anonymity factor, I think we'd see a lot more of spandex-clad late-night joggers wearing masks.

"Not only sexually but physically this elf was grown, her muscles has been trained to be lean, last long without disturbing her delicate feminine self."

So, what? She's a sexually mature, extremely rape-able ninja? I'm also sick of every cookie-cutter whore who also thinks she's Xena. When did feminism come to include both "Rape Me" and "I Will Cut You"?

"Currently: She looks to be hardening quickly,"

Ack! Someone cast Flesh-to-Stone!

"...wounds fading into scars, her eyes are loosing what little childish glow they had,"

Look out, she's loosing her eye beams on us! Pew! Pew! Pew!

"Turning into an eternal look that would be akin to a glare, but not quote so much aggretion[sic]."

A glare minus the aggression... That would be her just staring vacantly off into space. That sounds about right for this character.

"Theme Song, since everyone and they're mother has one."

'Their'! The word is 'their'! I don't know why this is so hard for these people! It's like contractions are some advanced space language that sends everyone into fits of confusion! This is what happens when your public school teachers sit around dreaming about their next smoke breaks instead of sending all their idiot kids back into the remedial classes where they belong. That's your tax dollars at work, people. Thank goodness "Would you like fries with that, sir?" is all monosyllabic, or I'd never get my burger!

"Tears of Laughter by - Diary of Dreams"

"Favorite Quote: "I wash my wounds with tears of hope..." -Blindside"

As if having a theme song wasn't bad enough, she's got to throw in a quote from another stupid emo band. Well she can wash her wounds all she wants. I wash my hands of this whole description.

Offenses
Abusing the English Language: 27
Abuse of Past Tense: 12
Lack of Coherent Sentence Structure: 19
Contradictory Bullshit: 11
Stereotypical Emo: 2
Theme Song: 1
Redundancy: 1
Obvious Slut: 9

Score: "Hey, lady, you sure you're 18 in Elf years? I wanna see some ID before we do this..."